An Adult Relationship With Life

When I was a child, my relationship with God was steeped in fear and formality. I didn’t fully understand this immense, mysterious force I was told governed all things, but I feared it. I would go to confession, invent sins I hadn’t committed, and then dutifully recite three Hail Marys and two Our Fathers as penance. It felt hollow, but I did it anyway, believing I had to, or something bad might happen. When I felt desperate, I would pray to this fearsome God, bargaining for what I needed—promising to be better, trying to make deals. It was a relationship of transaction and terror, built on the foundations of lack and an overwhelming power imbalance.

As I grew older, anger took root. The teachings and messages I had absorbed from the religion of my upbringing began to chafe. The word "God" alone became a trigger—a reminder of rules and judgment, of a love I could never quite earn. I turned my back on it, but life has a way of drawing you toward truth, even when you resist.

In my darkest moments, when I felt most broken and raw, I began to have spiritual experiences. I experienced love so profound and unconditional that I had to take notice. These spiritual experiences cracked open the walls of my heart and my mind. I could no longer deny the existence of something much greater than the version of God I had once feared. Slowly, I began to open to spirituality—not religion, but the nature of life itself.

As I moved into what I now call an adult relationship with the Source of all things, I became a seeker. I threw myself into exploring consciousness, quantum physics, mysticism, the law of attraction, deep embodiment work, psychology—anything that resonated with the truth I could feel within me. Through practice and experience, I discovered something life-changing: I am not separate from the creative life force that births and sustains all things. I am made of it, I’m a fractal of it.

I came to understand that my Soul chose this human experience for a reason. For me, that meant walking through struggle, fear, and lack so I could see beyond them—so I could fully understand what it feels like to be disconnected and then find my way back home. It became clear to me that my purpose involves guiding others past their fears, limitations, and illusions of separation into the truth of who they really are: a fractal of life capable of love, joy, and abundance.

I moved into a different relationship with life.  One example of this change is how I see and experience gratitude.

For a long time, I practised gratitude in a way that wasn’t serving me. I wrote gratitude lists, said my thank-yous, and went through the motions just like my confession days, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being stuck in the same old patterns of scarcity and struggle. I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working, I would get frustrated.

And then it hit me: I was acting like I was separate from the Source of all things.

I was using separation gratitude; I was trying to earn something from outside of me -saying thank you in hopes of being rewarded. It’s the same dynamic I had as a child, trying to please a parent or appease a fearsome God. This kind of gratitude was keeping me small. It reinforced the idea that I was powerless and dependent on something outside myself to grant me joy and abundance.

I contemplated for a long time what gratitude would look and feel like from oneness rather than separation.  I discovered it is an ongoing appreciation for life.  It’s a noticing of all of the small things I take for granted.  It’s an honouring that I get to experience a full spectrum of life including what might be labelled ‘painful’.

It’s not about getting something in return—it’s about revelling in the experience of connection, inspiration, and flow. When you tap into this kind of gratitude, you change your energetic frequency from lack to abundance and you open to even more of life as a by-product.  You become a conscious creator of your life.

Oneness gratitude doesn’t just lift your mood; it transforms your state of being. It dissolves the illusion of separation and amplifies your natural connection to abundance. When you embrace this kind of gratitude you align with the flow of life which brings ease and an ability to notice life’s guidance.  You stop resisting the unfolding of life.

This is the space I choose to live in now—an adult relationship with life itself. It’s not perfect or free from challenges, but it’s rooted in truth, freedom, and love. It’s about recognising that I am co-creating my reality with the Source of all things and that abundance flows naturally when I remember who I am.

And so, my journey continues. I’m here to experience, to grow, to guide, and most of all, to embody the truth that we are all limitless beings of love.